The following is a list of things that have actually been said to me at one point or another during my three pregnancies, including this one:
1. “Wow, you’re huge!”
3. “Are you sure you’re not having twins?”
Yep, I’m pretty sure the 17 sonograms I’ve had don’t lie.
4. “You must be due any day. Are you going to have the baby right now? Do I need to call an ambulance?”
No, I’m only 6 months pregnant, but thanks for your rudely misplaced concern.
5. “Do you feel ugly? That’s how I knew I was having a girl.”
6. “Wow, you’ve really dropped.”
Really?? I’ve got like 2 months to go, genius. How the hell do you know that I’ve dropped? Until it feels like there is a freaking bowling ball between my legs, lady, I haven’t dropped. There is literally no difference in the verticality of my belly since the last time we saw eachother.
7. “I think it’s a girl.” “No, I think it’s a boy.”
You know what, I really don’t care what sex you think the baby is. The cute little wager you just made with yourself isn’t going to change the outcome at this point, so just wait to find out like everyone else.
8. “How are you feeling?”
See, you really don’t want to know the truth when you ask this question. You want the sunshine and roses response, not the truth. How the hell do you think I’m feeling? I have been growing a person inside me for 37 weeks now. I’m goddamned over it, that’s how I’m feeling. Everything hurts, everything I eat gives me indigestion, I can’t bend over, can’t sleep, can’t walk for more than a few steps at a time before I have to sit down, can’t sit down for more than a few minutes before I have to pee, can’t lay on my back, stomach or right side. And every single day for the last three months, I have wanted to be done being pregnant FOREVER. There, is that honest enough for ya?
9. “How far along are you?”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Wow, I really would have thought you were due any day.”
Thanks for that.
10. “Have you gained a lot of weight?”
Why, does it look like I’ve gained a lot of weight? Yes, I have. I now weigh more than my husband, but that’s neither here nor there.