10 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

The following is a list of things that have actually been said to me at one point or another during my three pregnancies, including this one:

1. “Wow, you’re huge!”

2. “Twins?”
“No.”
“No?  Triplets?”
Dumbass.

3. “Are you sure you’re not having twins?”
Yep, I’m pretty sure the 17 sonograms I’ve had don’t lie.

4. “You must be due any day.  Are you going to have the baby right now?  Do I need to call an ambulance?”
No, I’m only 6 months pregnant, but thanks for your rudely misplaced concern.

5. “Do you feel ugly?  That’s how I knew I was having a girl.”

6. “Wow, you’ve really dropped.”
Really?? I’ve got like 2 months to go, genius. How the hell do you know that I’ve dropped? Until it feels like there is a freaking bowling ball between my legs, lady, I haven’t dropped.  There is literally no difference in the verticality of my belly since the last time we saw eachother.

7. “I think it’s a girl.”  “No, I think it’s a boy.”
You know what, I really don’t care what sex you think the baby is.  The cute little wager you just made with yourself isn’t going to change the outcome at this point, so just wait to find out like everyone else.

8. “How are you feeling?”
See, you really don’t want to know the truth when you ask this question.  You want the sunshine and roses response, not the truth.  How the hell do you think I’m feeling?  I have been growing a person inside me for 37 weeks now.  I’m goddamned over it, that’s how I’m feeling.  Everything hurts, everything I eat gives me indigestion, I can’t bend over, can’t sleep, can’t walk for more than a few steps at a time before I have to sit down, can’t sit down for more than a few minutes before I have to pee, can’t lay on my back, stomach or right side.   And every single day for the last three months, I have wanted to be done being pregnant FOREVER.  There, is that honest enough for ya?

9. “How far along are you?”
“7 months?”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Wow, I really would have thought you were due any day.”
Thanks for that.  

10. “Have you gained a lot of weight?”
Why, does it look like I’ve gained a lot of weight?  Yes, I have.  I now weigh more than my husband, but that’s neither here nor there.

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6 thoughts on “10 Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

  1. OH! All my laughs were Laughs of Compassion–capitalized. My least favorite question was “Are you excited?” Shows you God know what she was doing when she zapped pregnant ladies of their energy (saving it for transitional labor). Otherwise I would have punched the 57 people who asked me that.

    • Haha! Yes, that’s a good one too. Maybe if it was my first I’d say I was excited. Now, since I know what I’m in for – especially the first three months – would I say I’m excited? Mmmmm…no. Cautiously optimistic that my baby won’t have colic and scream 23 out of 24 hours a day? Probably. Excited to not be pregnant anymore? Definitely. 🙂

  2. Right on woman!! All I can say is… 13+ days to go!!!! Yay! And by the way, I think you look amazing… radiant… healthy… ready!
    xxoo
    M

  3. Jen, you have a wonderful way with words! At this point, you are deeply ready and we are cheering you on. This baby will be gorgeous and is coming into a wonderful family. How lucky for this little one. Hugs all around. Love from all the Rices.

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